


The totally cool Smut VicFic collection

by orphan_account



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: F/F, F/M, Gen, M/M, Multi, Other, Squick, Tentacles, Vomit, Voyeurism, inappropriate food comparisons, questionable, spanglish, you're gonna wish i was high when i wrote the oatmeal one, you're gonna wish it was out of character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-20
Updated: 2016-04-20
Packaged: 2020-11-22 19:10:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,361
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20879237
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: The four jalapenis level spicy VicFics from worst to best, doodely doo!(This is an inside joke meant to be horrifying, only open if you want to experience cringe and regret)





	1. Moon the Moon

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to syonzis, Yin, bel_chime, NotA_Robot, Saturn_The_Almighty, darwinsdonut, Slim_Dustpan, FamRoyalty, SummonerMaenad and 10 guests for giving kudos to the original ones.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Doodely dudes and dudettes, your compadre Vic is back some jalapeno hot kind of smutfic! This time, a Carokaina VicFic!  
Because yes, that's what CANONICALLY happened before Carolina found them Reds and Blues uwu  
Starring:  
\- mayonnaise  
\- handcuffs  
\- ceiling fan  
\- many other things

My respectable compadres, chicos and buttchiquitas, I know what’s going on in your cabeza. There’s a voice that’s like ‘Yooo, amigo, what’s up with all that porno between dudes and nothing about our lovely muchachas? Not really cool, dude’, and I totally see where you’re coming from. I totally, doodely do. So what about a new spicy, caliente and absodudely cool storytime with your compadre Vic, specifically about how that one obscure time when Carolina was looking for them Reds and Bluechachos and ran into Grif’s sister? HELL YEAH, DUDE!

*season 14 opening*

It was a dark and diddly night. Our chiquita banana Kaikaina was cleaning up after the mess from her latest fiesta: There was sour cream and chili EVERYWHERE, and the rest of the food? That shit was long gone, dude, except for…AWWW YEAH! Remember them precious vats of mayonnaise from the mystery box in like season two or three? The ones Tuckerino used as a sunscreen? Good times, dude. Kaikaina figured it’d protect her from moon rays as well and that was exactly what she needed to do her thing: she was gonna moon the moon.  
  
“HEY, YOU!” yelled our favourite yellow muchacha, completely nakey nakey eggs and bakey with mayonnaise smeared all over herself “YEAH, YOU! TWO CAN PLAY AT THIS GAME, YOU STUPID BITCH!”  
and she twerked to the moon, buttchiquitas shaking like maracas, arms spread as in a t-pose as she bent over, but then she noticed…There was some aquamadudereen armoured dudette watching.

“I, uhhh…I can explain, officer.”

“I’m not a cop.” responded the dudette trying to ignore Kaikaina’s yellow slippery goodness “I’m here in Blood Gulch to recruit the Reds and Blues.”

  
“Yeah, that’s what that Washington guy said, and then two weeks later I had to interrupt the shooting of my Cocaina Grif documentary!”

“Oh, good, so I’m in the right place…Wait, what?”

“Listen, lady, I don’t know who the hell you are, but whatever you wanna do, do it quick because I’m busy mooning the moon.” she turned to yell at the big tortilla in the sky just to make things clear THAT’S RIGHT, YOU HEARD THAT?! I’M NOT FINISHED WITH YOU YET!”

  
“I’m looking for Church. I know Washington found him and I’m tracing his steps. He started from here, right?”

“Church? Was he the guy with the hot girlfriend that beat the crap out of him?”  
  
“Answer my question.” dudette was starting to get impatientita. Not surprising for someone of the Churcherino family, but nobody knew at that point, so I guess that’s cool, dude.

  
“Someone’s a little jealous! I’m sure you’re hot too, under that helm–” not even the time to finish that Carolina abandoned all the possibilitiddies she had to chill and fucking fired red hot chilli bullets at her “HEY!! Watch it, you could have hit me with that rifle!”  
  
“THE QUESTION. ANSWER IT.”

  
“Only if you take off your armour and moon the moon with me.”  
  
“There.” she removed her helmet, revealing beautiful eyes shining green like guacamole sauce “You happy, now?”

“Wow…Damn, I knew you were hot under that helmet! Emo chicks are always hot!”

“What? I’m not emo!”  
  
“Yeah, right!” she scoffed “Like, dyed hair that covers one eye AND the other eye that’s like an impossible shade of green? That’s emo…Duhhh!”

“…Just tell me where to find them and I promise not to kill you.” sighed the poor freelancer muchacha crossing her arms in rage, which was mucho emo of her. 

  
“Jeez! You want the truth? I don’t know where they are, everyone just left one day without telling me anything, so good luck with that!” Sisterina laughed as she walked back into the Blue Base.

“Damn it!” she punched a wall “This was a waste of time!”

“Unless…”

“Unless what?!” she desperately followed her in the base immedudely, she knew what her prioritiddies were and if listening to some bitchacha whore to the moon could help her find and kill her not-so-com-padre, then she had to make the sacrifice and swallow her pride like she used to swallow Yorkerino’s beans. Wink wink!

“Unless we can use this time to have some fun!”  
  


“Oh…I see.” Carolina noticed that Kai had just shown her a pair of handcuffs and, being mucho unable to chill, she thought she had to use that to her doodely advantage. She wasn’t gonna let chiquita banana Kaikaina get away with wasting precious mayonnaise. And also time. “In that case, get on top of that table and put your hands up.”

“Oooh, I like a girl that takes charge!”

“Right. Hold still.” she commanded and handcuffed her to the ceiling fan, this was totally gonna be like a reverse rodeo – which wasn’t a problem for Kai who had already attended several “There.”

“What are you gonna do now?”

“You’ll see.” she grinned as she switched the thingy on. That dudette was yelling with both fear and kinkiness so loud that as Carolina turned back and tried to leave, she fell off the ceiling with the loudest thuderino, dragging the still spinning ceiling fan, like a beyblade with tiddies. All that bleeding had turned the mayonnaise into Marie Rose sauce. Mayonnaisa on the cabeza! Muy delicioso, dude.

“Hey…Aqua chick…Don’t go…”

“I, heh…I really have to go, you’re going to be fine.” Carolina’s eye twitched in a total squickerino. Much like her fellow aquaman Tucker dude, she wasn’t having any of that mucho homo nonsense. Why was it always the yellowish ones? She could swear Eta was totally gay too, dude, but that’s a story for another time.

“No…I’m not gonna make it…Heurrkkk…”

“Oh God…” here came the regret – wink wink! - for which she had to do something to prevent that dudette to die in a crumpled pile of nachos covered in sauce like York did “I’m so sorry. Is there anything I can do to help while you…?”

“Yeah. I want you…To blow into my pussy.”

“WHAT?!” she screamed, showing symptoms of the mucho scary Whiny Bitchurch disease-o which was uncool and also incurable “NO WAY!”

“It’s my dying wish, you owe it to me. They always said that it would kill me but I’ve always wanted to know what it felt like, and since I’m gonna die anyway…”

“Okay, okay, I will do it, but…I’ve never done anything like this.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll guide you.”

“Hey, uhm, before I…” the freelancerina still wasn’t having that mucho homo nonsense, but then again she was allergic to fun at the time. No wonder it was Tex, the boss ass bitchacha who did the ping pong bomb trick, on top of her dad – ahem, sorry dudes, I mean, on top of the leaderboard…That was made by Carolina’s dad. Wink wink! “…Before I…blow, do you want me to…?”

“I’m _dying_, bitch, it’s the least you can do!”

It was in that diddly doodely moment that Carolina had to give up her priderino and her vanilla hetero ways to comply and do something selfless for a dying compadre, for the Make a Bish foundation, she was gonna taste that taco, suck them curly hairs - that were already yellow under the mayonnaise from a dye job, by the way, doodely noodely and curly fries and mayonnaise and ketchup too, what else could a dudette ask for? - so hard they were gonna make the same sounderino her grappling hookio made when she pulled it to yeet Washingdude back inside the ship to make him not end up like that Georgia dude. Georgia was another uncool dude who didn’t chill nor have fun, not like my very own amigo Agent Florida. He was the realest compadre. Rest in peace, dudarino.  
Anyway, awwww yeah! Our chiquita banana Kaikaina’s pussy juices, along with all the other sauces, were now being properly gargled like tequila shots.

“Ohhh yeah, just like that…Man, you’re good for your first time. Now, don’t be shy, use your fingers.”

At first the dudette was hesitant, but then she figured out that, while still gloved to make it less gay, her fingerinos were still churros and Kaikaina’s soft pussita walls were still dulce de leche. It was time for penetration…It was taco filling time.

“HOLY SHIT, BITCH, YOU’RE FUCKING WIL-AAAAAHHHH!”

Our freelancerina lost any hint of chill whatsoever and fisted the taco super hard until it became a burrito, careless about the metal plating of the armourina she was still wearing. Wink wink!

“Are you dead yet?”

“N-no…” Kai emitted faintly, having only blood and a tiny breatherino in her mouth, along with a loud coochie fart.

“Ugh…”

“Just do it…It will be like blowing on birthday candles.”

“…Fine.” her teeth did a gritterino as the other dudette started singing.

“Haaaaappy biiiirthdaaaay tooo youuu, haaaaappy biiirthdaaaay toooo yooouuuu, happy biiiiirthdaaaaay to…uhhh.”

“Carolina.”

“Caaaaaaaroliiiiiinaaaaaa, haaaaappy biiiirthdayyy toooo youuuu!”

It took all of Carolina’s courage and gag-reflex-nullifying-thumb-squeezerino to blow full force into the pussita, the canyon within the canyon, relieved by the fact that no one would ever know what was going on. Wink wink!

“YAAAAY!”

But all cool things come to an end, my dudes, and right in that moment our aquamadudereen freelancer muchacha Carolina couldn’t doodely do it anymore and just felt all them juicerinos climb her throat and pour all in the taco-burrito-canyon-pussita, which was now overflowing with chili, rose marie sauce, MREs and a few smarties that had been shoved down there a couple of weeks before.

“Woah…You’re into puking in pussies too? That’s kinda hot!”

And then Carolina ran away screaming.

“…Fuck. That’s like, the fourth time this week!”

The end, dude.


	2. So much for a hug, compadre!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A parody RvB porn fic inspired by the inimitable crunchfics. With this, I open my series of porn fics narrated by our very own compadre, our dudarino Vic! Today's ship: Counselor/Director/Alien Engineer/Florida(/Wyoming)!  
The counselor is working on Vic, the AI program for Agent Florida. A drunk Director walks in, craving affection...Spoiler: cursed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Oh my God. This could be the most hysterical thing I have ever read. The voices and personalities were so spot-on it was terrifying. (Although I don't think I can eat burritos anymore after reading this XD)" - SummonerMaenad

Ssssooo, remember how I’ve been telling you the origin story of our favourite Red and Blue compadres? Well, y'know of that bit about that Agent Florida dude? Or Captain Butch Flowers, whatever you wanna call him. What if I told you that there is MORE…About MY backstory? 5-5-5, V-I-C-K!

* season 14 opening theme music *

The first seconds of my life were, like, pretty weird, dude. I remember waking up from my pre-birth siesta inside the screen of a computer of this diddly dude, the counselor dude, saying stuff, asking me questions, the usual, dude.  
  
“Your name is Vic, you are the Virtual Intelligent Computer. You were born at 5.05. Your duty is to assist Agent Florida.”

Dude went on like this for a while, but he was kinda chill about it, so I spoke my first words. A muy touching moment.  
  
“5-5-5… V-I-C-K”

“Very well. Now, we shall–”

Something interrupted the dude. It was another dude, the Director dude. He was, like, taller and seemed more powerful than the other dude, but he wasn’t as clean and even as a computer I could tell he smelled mucho like belly button lint mixed with guacamole and then left under the sun. Not really cool, dude.

  
“Counselor…”  
  
“Oh, Director, I was just working on the final details of the computer program for Agent Florida. It should be completely sentient by now, sir, and–” “Shhh.”

The Director dude shushed him putting his index on his mouth. Judging by the expression of the other amigo dude, finger had been places. I don’t wanna know about that, dude, but I can imagine. Computer God knows where I’d stick my fingerinos if I had any. Muy caliente, dude.  
  
“D-Director?”  
  
“Ah need uh hhhuuug, Counselor.”  
  
“Oh.”

And that, dudes and dudettes, was the moment when I saw the most, like, aw-kwardo hug ever. But hey, Director was getting into it. Hands on butt. Gave it a little pinch. Picante, dude.

“Um…Pardon my question, but…Have you been drinking, Director?”

“Ya thank one has to be druhnk fo’ wantin’ to ffuhck tha shiet out of you on tha Sahcawphaguhs?”

“Of course not.” dudarino replied like immediately. Didn’t expect that, dude. Fucks me up everytime I think about it, dude. Prolly had been waiting for that question for mucho mucho tiempo. Director dude knows how to choose his personnel. Wink wink! “…But, have you?”

“No.” he, like, moaned “Ah got drunk like three weeks aygo and di'n’t showah yet. Ah’m sobah. And you will suhck my dyek if ah say so.”

“Of course, Director.”

“…”

“…”

“…”

“…”

“That was nawt uh figa awf speech, Counselor.”

“In that case, I would not advise that.”

“Ah don’t gyeve a fuhck ‘bout yo advice 'cause I ovahrule you.”

“…Director.”

“I OVAHRULE YOU!”

Dude screamed ripping his clothes like the incredible Hulk and woah, dude, that muchacho had got like, a raging boner dude, it’s like his Senor El Diquito went Super Saiyan. Hair was even lighter in there. Just sayin’.

“AH AM READY TO ASSEUHRT DIRECTUH FREELANCER DAWMINANCE”

His glasses shone with some mucho scary weaboo light and he threw them away. Then he stopped for a second, thought he’d chilled out, but metaphorically speaking that dudarino was asking his own boner to point the direction to find the other dude.

“Counselor, help me out, Ah can’t see a dayum thang without 'em. Ah’m blind now. ”

“Before that, Director…Did you know that blind people often have to rely on other senses to compensate their inability to see? Other senses…Such as touch?”

“Ah’m pretty shure that everybody kno-OH.”

Not even time to finish that the Counselor dude had stepped closer and put his handitas on his hips. Compadre was sure a smart son of a puta, dude. Arms wrapped around the shoulders of the Director dude. Senor El Diquito must’ve changed his mind. Again, wink wink.

“I will comply to every order, Director.” he whispered planting a hot caliente kissito on the Director dude’s neck. That was apparently too mucho for the Director dude, like, he grabbed that muchacho and yote him on the sarcophagus with a violence I’ve never seen again since that damn diddly day dude. Counselor seemed coolio with it, though, let the dudarino climb and undress him, whatever floats your boat, dude.

“Who ovahrules you?”

“You, Director.”

“…”

“…Director?”

Next thing I saw, Director dude was in tears. No valid reason, el Diquito still in Saiyan mode tho. Still… Way to ruin the moment, dude.

“Mah late wife Allison. She’d'vn’t'whomst nevah EVAH allowed me to do such a thang.”

“Would you like me to dominate you, then, Director? I am versatile, with the skill to…Satisfy all your needs. ”

“Eh…Ain’t tha same thang…”

Counselor dude sat up to say like something about it, but dude just sniffled and pinned him down on the sarcophagus again and wiggled his winky blinky the one eyed soldier between his buttchiquitas to lube it up with the dick queso. Not really effective, dude.

“Director…” dude tried to ignore the jalapenis and stay serious “Do you want me to do it?”

“AH SAID AH OVAHRULE YOU!”

Dude kept crying and wiggling when suddenly the liderino of the sarcophagus slipped a little and the engineer alien muchacho inside crawled on its tentacocks out of the sarcophagus straight into the director’s asshole. Not that there was anything straight with that, dude. Director dude let out a scream so loud his whole body backflipped and his Counselor compadre knew what he had to do at that point: bit off one of the tentacocks and while the engineer dudarino was screeching and dropping its own alien chili-like blood he held the director by the cabeza and moaned.

“I’m going in raw. Would you be so kind to bite the pillow, Director?”

“What pillow uh you tawkin about?”

Turns out the pillow was the alien engineer dudeself, its alien REEEEE squealing and the muffled screams of the Director dude were so loud I had my first glitch. Not really cool, dude. Next thing I saw, one of the tentacocks was in the Counselor dude’s mouth and the chopped off tentacock regrew twitching so hard it knocked off the door, crushing Agent Pornstachio who was behind it blowing Agent Florida who had been watching the whole shitshow.

“Whoops. Well if this isn’t embarrassing I, uh…I can explain. Long story short, I came here for my AI and–”

“There is no time for explanations, Agent Florida! Please just do what you must!” moaned the counselor dude almost sounding human for the first and last time. One of the scariest parts, dude. Had me sow my own computer beans in my pants, if you know what I mean.

“On it, sir!”

Floridudarino grinned so enthusiastically that he ripped off his armour, manifested some lube out of thin air like he would always do – we don’t talk about Agent Florida…That dude had issues in the cabeza. Even more than his compadres. - to prep himself and literally jumped on it, started riding that alien tentacock like it was no problemo and his buttchiquitas vibrated like hot caliente jelly, muy delicioso dude. Held the Director dude’s head down to make him bite deeper into the alien burrito and like reassured him.

“Worry not, Mister Director, this is not my first Rodeo!”

“MMMMPHHHHH!”

“Now, there there, no need to get bent out of shape. You know what they say, no pain, no gain. Am I right, fellas?”

The Alien compadre responded with a screech so loud the screen from where I was watching cracked like the saggy skin of an old dudette who used to be a drug addict puta as a muchacha.

“Mmmm. So far, so good. Hang in there. Pleased as punch to be here, Director.”

“HHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

“Ooh, I’m afraid I missed the boat, because the cummies are arriving at any moment, aren’t they?”

“WAAARHHHHGGGGHHHHH!”

Director dude just screamed his orgasm to the universe like he was spitting hot fuego fire after having eaten the spiciest jalapeno in the galaxy. Probably he did. Don’t know what alien diquito would taste like. Not my cup of nacho sauce, dude.

“Speak of the devil…” Floridude chuckled “I will have to cut you some slack for coming so soon, these new alien dicks are really the bees’ knees, I’ll tell ya.”

The Alien did a squawkerino under him and he later looked up at the Counselor dude who had stopped thrusting and was using his tonguita to clean the sour cream off the Director’s sore burrito of what remained of his butthole.

“Did you get off, Counselor?”

“I’m fine. I’m just…Doing my job.”

“Work and pleasure together. You really got the best of both worlds.”

“I see why you can look at it from this perspective. It’s a honour for me to be of assistance.”

“You can say that again.” Florida man dude closed his eyes, straddled the alien diquito and came mucho peacefully, killing it instantly. Rest in peace, amigo. “Time flies when you’re having fun.”

“Indeed.”

“Oh well.” our favourite blue amigo got up and started putting clothes on again like it was no big diddly dealio, dude “Time for me to hit the road and call it a day. Sleep tight!”

The counselor compadre looked at the Director’s burrito looking (and maybe even tasting, dude) butthole that was everything but tight in that momentito and squeezed his eyes close like a tube of ketchup while cumming and spilling more hot caliente sour cream.

“Better late than never!”

After Florida left, Counselor dude found his Director amigo’s glasses on the floorito and put them back on his face. So much for a hug, compadre!

“How are you feeling, Director?”

“Ah’m great…But we’re gawnna have to do sumthin’ about that mass o’ dead meat…”

“May I suggest a cock ring, sir?”

“Ah was tawking uhbaht tha aylieuhn.”

“Oh…Of course, sir. ”

_The end, dude._


	3. Oatmeal Ballerina

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tuckingmaine VicFic requested by the legend Crunchself.  
The prompts were:  
\- oatmeal  
\- umbrella  
\- noodely-dudely  
And I solved it with: - ballerina. Needless to say it's cursed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> " 'nakey nakey eggs and bakey, arms up in the air, fifth position en haute, pale and delicate like a tortilla.'  
This underrated masterpiece should be hanged in louvre next to Mona Lisa for the future generations to see and learn from. Its writer should be hanged too." - Whattheactualfuckyesawesome

Ladies and gentledudes, chicas and chicos, reddudes and bluechachos and compadres from other teams, buckle your maracas and sit on your buttchiquitas ‘cause it’s time for another story by your amigo Vic! 555-V-I-C-K, doodely doo! Sssoooo, long story short there are infinite universes with infinite stories and all that stuff, you know how it works, dude. Anyway! This one takes place in the Epsilon AI unit. What if instead of that Tex muchacha, someone else arrived at Blood Gulch?  
  
*season 14 opening*

It was the iteration number 69, my dude, and this time Churcherino was gonna doodely-do things properly: set up an encounter with Tex, take her out, get some taco, add some extra sour cream if you know what I mean. Wink wink!  
Anyway, for some reason things weren’t going as he hoped, there always seemed to be something wrong with his red and blue amigos and he had to set things right. He had already explained the diddly doodely dealio to his teal-io amigo Tucker, but that muchacho wasn’t having any of that. Not really cool, dude, but then again, Church needs to take a chill pill.

“Seriously, you really need to look into the stalker thing.”

“For the last time, Tucker, it’s romantic!”  
  
“Does this dead chick have a robussy, at least?”

The camera panned to Tucker. Now, that dude was asking the important questions. It was only one small preguntita, but the courage behind it was muy mucho grande, diddly dude.

“I…Uh…I guess, ye– no, wait. Wait…”  
  
“…”  
  
“…”  
  
“You’ve never got a chance to see it, have you?”  
  
“Stop asking questions.”

“Woah oh HOLY SHIT, you’ve never seen your imaginary girlfriend’s pussy!” the aqua compadre spoke for all of us as he laughed his buttchiquitas off “What are you, a fucking incel?”

“SHUT. UP. TUCKER.”  
  
“Or what are you gonna do? Try to shoot me with the sniper rifle and hit a rock?”

“Tucker, I swear to G–”  
  
“HEY, CABOOSE!” he yelled to get the attention to our lovely Caboose dude, or Caboode, our lovely caboodely dude. “TURNS OUT YOU’RE NOT THE ONLY VIRGIN IN THE TEAM ANYMORE! CHURCH IS JOINING YOU NOW, AREN’T YOU HAPPY?”

“YES!!! THIS IS GOING TO BE THE BEST BEST-FRIEND CLUB EVER!” dude happily emerged from behind the tank he was fixing, missing the point as always “LOOK! WE EVEN HAVE MATCHING BLUE ARMOUR!”

“They’re not the same shade, dumbass!”

“Yes they are! I’m blue…Church is blue…YOU’re the one who’s…Aqua…”

“Ugh, whatever.” he walked away “Tsk, I bet the Reds don’t have to put up with this kind of crap…Wait. ”

He couldn’t believe what his eyeballitas were spotting in the distance. He saw a little silhouetto a of dude. Scary mucho, scary mucho, would he get dark armoured taco? Tucker walked up to them, saw dark armour and called his amigo:

“Church, look!”  
  
“Not now Tucker.”

“Church, look!”

“I said NOT NOW, Tucker.”  
  
“Your imaginary girlfriend is here!”  
  
Church ran towards them “Oh holy FUUUUUUCK, no, no, no, no!” whoop nevermind, Church ran away immediately as he noticed who that diddly figure actually was, leaving Tucker there with the dude.

“Hello. I am Agent Washington of Project Freelancer, and you’d better give me the Epsilon AI now that I ask you befo–”

“WOAH! You’re not a chick!”

“No.”

“Lame.” Tucker’s Senor El Diquito went from fiesta to siesta real quick “Oh, uhh, you wanna come in, bud? I’m making breakfast.”

“Sure. Thanks.”

“No problem, let’s go.”

“After you.” Agent Washington smiled, well spoken like a true freelancer compadre, as he checked out that muchacho’s puerta behindita, fantasies of storing his dick queso in there plaguing his mind like cucarachas. No wonder he wanted to get this Epsilon thing over with, he was straight as an arrow before him but then implantation stuff went on - wink wink! - and homie was now a raging homosexual. But the stream of consciousnachos of that muchacho was interrupted by that Tucker dude, who almost made him chill for a sec.

“You freelancers are lucky bastards, you get to hang out with hot chicks. Here it’s always all-male teams, a sausage party.”

“Well, we don’t really get to hang out with girls much…We’re always in the middle of a mission.”

“Dude, if there’s a chick nearby then you have a chance at sex, if you don’t it’s just because you’re shit at it. And you know what that means? Time for some advanced class with Professor Fuck!”

“Time for _what_ with _who_?” Agent Washingdude felt like half scared and half hopeful, and also half horny. No, wait, dude, he was half hopeful and half scared because he was all around horny. His front upper body buttchiquitas went all red and caliente like the fuego he hoped he was gonna feel soon, in his burrito walls. He knew that a real amigo would have added sour cream.

“Relax, dude, it’s me. Lesson number one: First of all, you gotta talk to them, so you find the chick you want, you walk up to her and then–”

“Treat her like a princess? Absolutely not!” this mucho hetero nonsense had the whole world fall on him like some muchacho who was too borracho would have fallen from a mechanical bull, crushing his hopes and dreams real quick “I’m jaded, because I can’t trust anyone, I’m not putting effort into any of this, I–”

“Dude, what the fuck?”

“What if I want to be treated like a princess, for a change? I deserve it after all I have been through!”

“…You know, maybe Church was right about things being wrong in this world.” that mucho homo nonsense, on the other handita, had triggered Tucker’s inner squickerino and he wasn’t having any of that either. He could swear every damn diddly dude in that canyon was crazy. Again, not really cool.

“Oh, right, Church…The Epsilon AI.”

“What’s your deal with him?”

“I have to take him to the Chairman so that I can get out of prison.”

“Yeah, right…He never told me about it, and he just won’t shut the fuck up talking about himself, so I’m just gonna assume you’re bluffing.”

“I’m serious.” Dude took off his helmet and his taco shell coloured eyebrows, matching with his hair, did a real threatening push-up, which meant this was an indeed big dealio, dude.

“You said you wanted to be a princess!”

“And did I fucking stutter, Private Tucker?!”

“…”

“…”

“…”

“…”

“…I’m just gonna make oatmeal.”  
  
“Okay.”  
  


##  ** R A W R**

Tuckerino looked at him like WOAH, WHAT’S GOING ON, DUDE? No noise was that unholy since the Alien Engineer compadre’s passing. Rest in peace, doodely dude. You were chill, dude.

“Woah, dude, was that your stomach?”

“No, it was my friend…The Meta.”

“The WHAT?”  
  
“RAWQQQRRRSSSHH HAWRAWGHLHA!” announced our huge white freelancer compadre as he disabled his invisibilididdly enhancement, revealing the toned buttchiquitas he had worked hard to get. 

“He said you’re going to lead us to the Epsilon AI or else–”

“But isn’t the real you out there actually trying to get the AI?” Tuckerino yawned as he distractedly checked the oatmeal. Little did that dude know how creamy that breakfast was gonna be. Wink wink! Just sayin’. “Aren’t you just a fake you?”

“Aren’t we all fake?” Washingdude was depressed and full of thoughts of revenge and chorizo as always “Isn’t that the reason why we’re here?”

“HRWARWA?”

“Seriously, dude. It’s like 9am and thanks to you I already got a fucking headache!” whined our teal amigo, feeling said headache like a needlio stabbing him in the cabeza “Congratulations, ASSHOLES!”

“Listen, I’ve been lied to, backstabbed, shot at and been called names by the same people that wronged you. I am going to put a stop to this and you don’t get to be ungrateful about it.”

“Well, we can talk about your stupid quest later, okay?” he switched off the oatmeal fuego and turned himself on “Oatmeal’s ready.”

“Epsilon has been inside of me, Tucker.” he felt like choking and a tear leaked from his right eyeballita like when the jalapenis was too spicy “It’s personal. And if I can’t take him, then I will take you.”

“Bow chicka bow wow?”

“Yes. I mean it.”

“Rawr. Wergle rawr aschhwrow?” suggested the biggest compadre, who was soon to become the main(e) dude of this spicy adventure. Mucho caliente.

“What? That’s too kinky, Meta.”

“There’s no such thing as too kinky, Wash.” dude shrugged “Alright, big dude, show me what you’ve got.”

“Whargl.” he nodded taking his armour off, he was now in the nude with his noodely-dudely jalapenis hanging, now he was squatting, mouth wide open ready for sour cream as he started literally barking, or rawring, orders to his bumblebee-armoured amigo “Gewerschlaugh rawrrawr.”

Not even time for Tuckerino to blink that Washingdude was there in front of him, nakey nakey eggs and bakey, arms up in the air, fifth position en haute, pale and delicate like a tortilla. Needless to say they all needed to chill.  
  


“WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU GUYS DOING?!”

“I will be a beautiful ballerina, just like Princess Tutu.”

“I…Huh?”

Something appeared to Tucker and Tucker only: it was our very own compadre Agent Florida, finally someone who was chill, ready to save the day as always, his cabeza floating on the ceiling, speaking his subordudenate words of wisdom:

“Alright, private Tucker, the ball is in your court: this only happens once in a blue moon, so please jump on the bandwagon, you wouldn’t want to miss the boat! It’s time for me to hit the hay, now, but let me tell you this…If you remember your training then it’s going to be a piece of cake. With love, from your mentor and friend, Cappy Butch Flowers.”

The Meta was now the main(e) attraction, lubing up Washingdude’s buttchiquitas with oatmeal, the chili texture of his dudely walls feeling like heaven on Meta’s fingerinos. But there wasn’t mucho tiempo to waste, so he grabbed his Brute Shot and folded it. It was now a beautiful swan. Mucho weirdo, that wasn’t part of the plan. So the main(e) dude folded it again and it was now the biggest umbrella in the universe. He rammed it into his tortilla loooking compadre, handle vibrating inside of him, brrrr, whole lotta shaking going on, dude, wink wink! Anyway, this hugely doodely umbrella started from inside his burrito and ended right above his cabeza, top notch scratching against his skull, stretchers trapping his handitas, runnerino and top spring hurting his neck and bottom spring digging some bloody hole in his lower back, muy delicioso dude. If you want to be a mucho deliciosa princess dudette, you gotta suffer a lil bit.  
  
Our very own Tucker compadre was distracted from his oniric vision of Agent Floridude by the sharp pain of the Meta ripping and schlorping his toenails.  
  


“AAAHH! WHAT THE FUCK?!”

“Do as he says, cum in the oatmeal!” whined Washingdude “You have ten seconds before he kills us both!”

“What? I can’t cum in ten seconds! I can only cum in five!”  
  
“Four!” he yelled. They were preparing for the very epic cool moment to take place. Just a bit of patience and things would’ve gotten jalapeno level caliente. For now it was like, salsa. 

“Fuck!”

“Th-three!”

“Uhhhnnnn…”

“Two!”

“GASP.”

“One!”

“AOWWWWWWWWUugghhh…” he spilled his hot beans inside the hot pot of hot oatmeal. Caliente! Which means hot. Wink wink, doodely doo!

“G-g-get a spoon,” faintly emitted the freelancer muchacho “I cannot resist for much longer…”

“What am I supposed to– Oh, I got it!”

This was our bluedarino’s moment: he took a spoon, immerged it into the pot of oatmeal and flailed it around, drops of cummy oatmeal flying towards Washingdude - who was spinning like a mucho caliente ballerina dudarina, muy delicioso dude - and bounced from his umbrella reverse-tutu to Maine who was crouching there ready to gargle. And then they went on like this again and again, dude, like, for really mucho tiempo! Too bad at a certain point Agent David Absodudely-no-chill Washington dropped dead, which was uncool.  
  
“…”  
  
“…”  
  
“…”

After this intense moment of mucho silence, the caboodely dude while entering the base with Church, no diddly idea what the hell was going on: 

“SUPER BEST-FRIEND CLUB OF BEST FRIENDS IS HERE FOR BREAKFAST TIME!”

“…”

“…”

“…”

“Uhhh, Church? I’m confused.”

“It’s okay, Caboose. We’re all confused.”

The End, dude.


	4. The Ping Pong Bomb Trick

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Parody RvB porn fic (tribute to Crunchfics). Tex and Kaikaina, right before her medical check-up, argue over the role of THE girl of Blue Team. There is only one way to gain the appreciation of the boys, and they're going to settle it right now...  
Today's ship: Church/Andy/Tex/Sister/Doc!Parody RvB porn fic (tribute to Crunchfics). Tex and Kaikaina, right before her medical check-up, argue over the role of THE girl of Blue Team. There is only one way to gain the appreciation of the boys, and they're going to settle it right now...  
Today's ship: Church/Andy/Tex/Sister/Doc!

Doodely dudes and dudettes, remember when the Reds and Blues were stationed in Blood Gulch, fighting O'Malley, just standing around and talking? Those were good times.  
…Yep, it sure has been lots of time, tiempo de mucho, mucho tiempo, but there’s still a question that went unanswered about right before Sister got her examination and Captain Flowers got revived and showed up. What was Andy doing?  
  
*season 14 opening theme music*

“Okay, listen up right now, because next time I have to say this to you I won’t use words and I will just shoot you in the head. You see, Tucker is an idiot – well…They’re all idiots, BUT if you want to get popular with the excuse of this medical exam, I swear to God…”

“Aw, come on, Tex!” the chiquita banana Kakaina chick wasn’t having that negativity. “It’s like the doctor guy said, it’s a routine thing, nothing to worry about. Plus I think we should become pals, like, I see you got a gun kink going on and we could bond over that!”

“Yeah, right…Wait, what?”

“Sister is right.” Tucker wiggled his sword in anticipated frustration, that Tex muchacha was killing his horny mood like a cucaracha in his burrito “You shouldn’t interfere with the exam, it’s an important thing – fuck yeah, a duty that I wanna do for a change!”

“Tucker, you know that you’re not coming with us, right?” commented the uncool medic dude, who was there with the three of them. Not cool, dude.

“Ohoh, trust me, dude, I’m definetely coming too, bow-chicka-bow-bow!”

At that point Tex just pointed her gun at that dude. “Shouldn’t you be looking after your disgusting kid instead of getting on my nerves?”

“Oooh, are you gonna shoot him?” Sisterina squealed excitedly “That’s hot!”

“Gun kink? Baby, I like your styl–” not even the time to finish that he got decked by Tex. That dudette needs to chill. “Ow! What the fuck?!”

“Take Caboose and the alien for a walk and tell Church to come here. Now.”

“Ugh…Fine.”  
  
As the teal compadre walked away, Doc tried to break the silence.

“Um…So, uh, Tex…” 

“Yeah?” she turned around pointing her gun at him “N-n-nothing! Please don’t kill m– Oh, thank God you’re here, Church!”

“What happened? Do you have a new plan to kill O’ Malley?” frantically asked Church, another one who definetely needs to chill, as he arrived running.

“Forget O'Malley, we’re talking about ME now.”

“Oh, right. God forbid you think about someone other than yourself.”

“Oh, shut up, like you’re one to talk! Do I have to shoot you again?”

“Shoot me? And what good is that gonna do? It’s not like you can kill me, I’m already dead. And you know why I’m dead? Because of a HUGE FUCKING TANK THAT IS EVEN WORSE NOW BECAUSE IT’S POSSESSED BY AI SATAN AND IS WANDERING AROUND MY GODDAMN BASE! So tell me, I’m all ears, what can POSSIBLY be more important than this right now?!”

Gilligan cut to the same blue-darinos inside the base (see what I did there? Pulled a cool storyteling trick. Really cool, dude.) . Church had just witnessed something really, really, really cool, dude.

“Okay…I gotta hand it to you. That was gross, but pretty impressive. Is this all there is? You wanted to show me Sister’s ping pong ball trick?”

“Oh, so you agree it’s impressive?” Tex crossed her arms. When a dudette crosses her arms it means you done fucked up, diddly dude! And your amigo Vic would know something about it, but that’s a story for another time, just remind me to tell you, you pick up your tele-phoneo, you call me – 555-V-I-C-K! - and I go ‘Hello, yeah, hello dude, doodely dude, what’s going on dude?’, and you go like ‘ayy amigo, tell me the story’, and I’ll be like ‘no problemo, dude’. Easy peezy ketchup squeezy on your fries. Muy delicioso, dude. There you go. Now, back to Church.

“Yeah, I mean…Yeah…I…Wait. Is that a trick question? Tex, where are you going with this?”

“Oh, we’re gonna settle this right now. Doc, hand me the bomb.” The dark armoured muchacha pointed at the round compadre in the cornerino. That had magically appeared there as she pointed at it. Another really cool storytelling trick, dude.

“Woah, where did Andy come from? I thought the Reds had taken you.”

“How do you think I got here, fatass?” said round compadre responded, speaking in its round accent , no big dealio “I rolled here, just like you did!”

“For the last time, I have a robot body, I canNOT get fat!” 

  
“Not if you don’t want to cause an earthquake everytime you take a step! Zing!”

“Also, robots can TOTALLY get fat.” Sister added with a wisdom, with a sabi-doodely-duderia you can only find in some fortune cookie-o from a chino restaurant when you can’t eat spicy mexican food after you wrecked your toilet with chili. Bad memories, dude. “Trust me, I would know.”  
  


“WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT EVEN SUPPOSED TO MEAN?!”  
  
“That if you eat one more snack you’re gonna be the one exploding instead of me!” HA! Good one, Andy. I sure miss my round compadre, sometimes.

“Ugh. Just blow up and kill us all, already.”

“Finally!”

“Nononononono!” Doc stopped being chill too and panicked, handing our dear explodely dude to Tex “Andy, please, calm down. Now, I will hand you to Tex and she will explain her plan.”

“Here’s the plan: I’m going to remind to those who forgot that I am THE girl of Blue Team. And Andy will help me in this demonstration. Doc gets the camera, Sister licks my boots, and you, Church, are my whiny bitch as always.”

“What?! Are you serious?! We can’t –”  
  
“On the floor, Bitchboy.”

“Yes, mistress…” Churcherino sighed and complied. That doodely dude ain’t got idea what self respect is. As a fellow AI compadre – though it was a spoilerino at that point and he didn’t know but still, not cool, dude – I can only be ashamed. Anyway, Doc looked at Sister for help.

“Do…Do I get to join or do I have to just film?”

“Don’t worry about that, Doc!” Sister winked as she took off her boots and helmet and positioned to start her tonguita magic “I’m really good with my feet!”  
  
“Wow, y-you’re that flexible? Oh, alright then…Lights…Camera…Action!”

And that’s when the amazing stuff started to happen. Brace yourself, dude, it’s not like anything you’ve seen before, dude.

“What’s up, Tex, finally got an upgrade and got yourself a robot pussy? Because I’m pretty sure you didn’t have it last tim– Oh, nevermind, your clit switch is hug—Mmpfff!”

Not even the time for Andy to finish the sentence that Tex had shoved him up her taco, muffling his laments, to the amazement of everyone the base. A robot pussita sure takes time to warm up and doesn’t have the chili like texture that we all love, but it vibrates and can take bigger things in that space. You could even store a bag of doritos in there if you wanted, dude. But Tex had another plan, which she moaned as her robot loinerinos pulsated around the bomb:

“Church…Suck Andy. It’s an order.”

“What? I don’t even have a tongue!”

“Your visor…Aw, fuck, hurry up and open your visor.” she threw her head back in pleasure for a sec and glanced at Doc, whose Senor el Diquito was being worked by Sister’s caliente feet. “Hey, you’re filming this, right?”

“Y-y-yeah, I…Ahh…I got it all on AaAAh, watch out, Sister, you’re gonna make me drop my camera! I have to give this back, I rented it.”

  
“Oh, don’t be a baby! Hey Tex, do you think next time you can ask your makers to give you robot toes?”

“That’s actually a good idea.” Tex grabbed her gun and pointed it at Church “I see you’re still not sucking, that calls for drastic measures.”  
  
But then she didn’t even gave that dude the time to respond that she grabbed him with mucha violence by the helmet and just straight up smashed his visorino against the explodey compadre between him and her pussita. Wires came out of the smashed visor and started working Andy like a tonguita. Our yellow dudette was really into that.

“Mmmm…Damn, this is SO HOT.”

“Glad you like it.” Tex decided to point the gun at her for some reason, maybe because she thought it’d be hot, in that case she was right, muy caliente, like a jalapeno kind of hot, dude “Finger yourself with one hand and Church’s ass with the other, before I get up and step on you. And you, keep filming.”

“Y-y-yes, madam…”  
  


Sister positioned better to do all the stuff she had to do, and as she slid her fingerinos into Church’s cold aged-picadillo-like textured robutt walls she made sure that he squealed like an armadillo. That paired with all that working, made Church go like crazy and his robot tonguita had made Andy keep rolling and rolling inside the muchacha’s robot taco, so much that the part where the sound came out was on the outer end again, to the horror of said Churcherino:

“Holy shit, Tex, how many balls have you taken?”

“ANDY, STOP TALKING, YOU’RE FREAKING ME OUT!”

“Just shut up and keep sucking, dickhead!”

“Goddammit…”

“Heh, I should’ve known you were into dudes, dating Butch over here!”

“No, Butch Flowers is dead.” Our favourite yellow chiquita banana interrupted, missing the point as always “I came here to replace him, remember? What was he like, by the way? Was he hot?” Gotta hand it to Floridudarino, there’s just something special about that dude, even if he isn’t physically there, somehow it always becomes about him when something cool is happening. Nothing but respect for that compadre.

“Please shut up, both of you.”

“Why, Andy, does this pussy feel like a dude to you?” Tex crossed her ams again. Bad sign for Andy, dude, but a good sign for the whole universe this time. Just lemme finish. “In that case I might as well get you out of it.”  
  
“Woah, I was kidding, calm down.”

  
“Never tell a lady to calm down. Church? Sister? Stay back. I am ready.”

Everyone else in the room stood next to the wall to witness the robot taco magic, the pussita magic, the ping pong bomb trick: Tex took a deep breath and aimed to the entrance of the base. She was ready to shoot that dudarino from her pussita into space!  
  
“Hm.” she cocked her gun still in her hand “You guys are not cheering.”

And at that point the chanting started. All the blue-darinos were excited. The robot taco was about to do the thing, making Andy fly away as fast as a muchacha with no thigh strength would fall from a mechanical bull. Something extremely cool was about to take place.  
  
“TEX! TEX! TEX!” they all chanted in unison, except for Andy “TEX! TEX! TEX!”  
  
Andy was annoyed and still damn doodely defiant, but never dare contradict the Tex muchacha if you wanna live, it’s a big dealio, dude. “Oh no, you’re NOT doing this you stupid– BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITCH!”

AWWWW, YEAH, DUDE! IT HAPPENED FOR REAL, DUDE! She shot that round compadre out of her pussitaquita like it was no problemo with the loudest coochie fart in history! And as her loinerinos went back to the original position and her bolts sounded like maracas, all the other blues just stared into the distance as the damn diddely dude was still flying at I don’t know how many miles per hour into the sky. They all whispered “That was awesome.” still in unison.

The flying and screaming of our round compadre across the whole canyon (until he landed in the cave where the Reds found him) distracted that Tucker dude, who was just there hanging out with Caboose and with his alien kid, Tucker dude Junior.

“…Hey, Caboose.”  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“Do you ever get that feeling that somewhere something amazing just happened?”

The End, dude.


End file.
